Here You Go Again
by PeppermintP4tty
Summary: This is horrible. I'm really sorry. Paige and Emily after 5x05, inspired by bts locker room photo. I wrote it really quickly because my brain wants to hurt me. It's awful (in many ways).


**I am so fucking sorry about this and I hate myself and my brain.**

Paige pulls herself out of the water and pads over to where she left her towel on the bleachers. She needed that extra half an hour in the water. Practice over, she likes to take some time to herself. It seems to be the only thing that stops the constant buzzing in her head at the moment. And it seems to have worked. In the locker room, she pauses, towel wrapped round her waist and drops heavily to the bench. She's working herself hard, partly because since losing Emily the team is relying on her more and more, partly because if she wants to make it to Stanford, partly because it's the one thing that seems to make sense.

She takes off her swim-cap and goggles and wrings her hair out. She hums a tune that's been going round and round in her head for the last couple of days, certain phrases catching at her and looping over and over and over. She pauses trying to remember the next phrase and where she knows the song from, then clicks her fingers as it comes to her: _of course, karaoke_. She'd drunk quite a bit that night, but she was pretty sure it was watching Emily laughing at her that spurred her on and much as she loves Dolly Parton, she'd never realised that she knew the words to _quite_ that many songs. She smiles to herself.

Emily stands outside the locker room door. She'd been waiting for Paige to come out after practice, but there was no sign of her and it was only when Sydney remarked that Paige had been practicing a _lot_ lately that she twigged. She pauses, pushes her hair back from her face. She knows it's the right thing to do, but she doesn't know if she can bear to do it. She breathes out one last deep breath and pushes open the door.

Paige is turned away from her and Emily pauses, watching, she hears her humming and immediately her mind flashes back to two nights ago watching and laughing as Paige sings at the top of her lungs and gets the whole room joining in. And she remembers how she felt so proud that she was the one that Paige looked at _just like that_ and that she was the one that knew how those moves that Paige pulled on stage were just a whisker away from the moves Paige made in bed; and how the straight-up _sexy_ stare that she gave was just like the one she gives before her head moves its way slowly, _oh so slowly_ down your body. And she has to pause and tell herself to _stop it_, _just stop_ because it's not that way. Not now. Not again.

Emily sighs, tries for a bright smile and says,

"Hey."

She watches as Paige jumps and spins round, her face going from fear to a shy smile when she realises who it is.

"Hey, Em. I thought everyone had gone."

"Yeah, they have." Emily loiters at the corner of the lockers, hands shoved into her jeans pocket.

"Oh. Ok." Paige sounds so open that Emily wants to turn and just walk away and not be the one to say what she has to say, "I was just finishing a couple of laps, working on my turns. Hey, perhaps now you're coaching you could look over them for me?" Emily doesn't say anything and Paige stops, confusion clouding her features, then concern, "Are you ok? Is everyone ok? I know about the explosion, but I thought everyone got out ok? Caleb said - "

"No, no. It's nothing. It's not – not that. No."

"Sooo?" Paige smiles, trying to coax whatever it is out of Emily. She says, quietly, "What is it? Are you ok? Em? You're scaring me."

Emily forces herself to look away from the intensity of Paige's stare. She clears her throat, she's here, she's just got to say it, it's for the best, "Paige. There's something you might hear about me, something people might tell you i-in the next few days."

Paige laughs, "Em, everyone's _always _telling me stuff about you. I don't listen to it."

"No." She tries a smile, but it makes her feel ill, "Bu-but this is true."

"Ok."

"It's about me and Alison."

And the room goes still.

Paige can hear the leaky tap in the second basin from the right drip; the hum of the filters in the swimming pool; the buzz-click of the lights. And she closes her eyes. The room spins.

The sound she makes is closer to a moan than a word. She feels her stomach tighten and turn, the chocolate milk she had before practice seems to curdle and she puts her hand flat on the bench beside her to feel something solid and steady.

Emily waits. Watches as a spasm seems to pass through Paige's body. Watches as every muscle in her body seems to tense. Waits for them to relax. They don't.

"Nnnh." Paige opens her eyes. Emily sees her swallow. Once. Twice. Again, then she takes in a gulp of air and asks, "When?"

"Two nights ago."

"After the karaoke?" Emily has to lean forwards to hear what Paige says, it sounds like she's talking through a mouthful of sand and glass.

"Yes."

Paige gives a brutal snort, "Guess I'll never listen to Dolly Parton in the same light." She stares at Emily, her voice harsh, bitter now, "Guess you never will either, huh?"

Emily watches as Paige's eyes cloud over, watches as her gaze leaves hers, watches as it slides down to the floor.

When Paige looks up again there's a light that's gone.

She wants to put out a hand, to touch, to console, she makes a subtle move towards Paige before she stops herself. But Paige is always so in tune to Emily that she flinches before Emily can make a move. Emily feels the tears spilling down her cheeks.

"Are you 'together' now?" The tone is unmistakeable.

"I – I don't know. I think so. I need to see, Paige. I need to know."

"Then all of this was, was, a _lie_?" _All those times you told me you loved me. All those plans we made to go to Stanford. All those times you cried my name when I made you come. All those times you kissed me, your tongue in my mouth your hands grabbing at my hair, my clothes. _

"N - no. I – I."

The room sets into silence. Emily wants to say something. Anything. Something that will make it all right. She sees Paige's jaw working, sees her body clench. She wishes she had the power to put her hand over her mouth and unsay the things she's just said. Take them back. Take them all back. But it's too late for that now. She wants to hold Paige tight, tight and never let her go. Hold her and whisper in her hair _I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I hurt and hurt and hurt you._

Paige wonders if she should have known. If she should have felt anything that night: there on the stage at the karaoke. Performing, like a monkey, waiting for Emily to throw her a bone: a smile, a glance, anything really. When all the while she'd been planning on going home, back to _Alison_, to …. She should have known. It was there in the way Emily had avoided her gaze the next day, how she'd gone out of her way to leave a room whenever Paige entered it. It was in the way Hanna and Spencer had looked at her, at the quiet, almost apologetic smiles they'd given. She shudders.

Emily feels Paige shift beside her, hears her say, "You should go. I need to get changed. My mom and dad'll be wondering where I am."

"Oh. Um. Sure. Of course." Emily stands, wipes her tears and turns back, "Will you be ok?"

Paige makes a non-committal sound. She stands, willing her legs to not give way. Desperate to maintain what remaining shred of dignity she has. Emily looks at her, motions towards her, but when Paige puts her arm across her body to hug herself, Emily steps away. She stops by the locker room door and, as she pulls it open, she hears Paige's sob. She opens the door and gently closes it behind her.


End file.
